Oohh to be French! So sophisticated, so cool, so calm and so sure when faced with greeting a friend, a stranger or even an enemy. Oohh what it must feel like, the weight that must be lifted to have that TWO kiss security when entering a new social gathering. The ease with which we could seamlessly step from “Hello nice to meet you” into some good old uncomfortable small talk.
But alas we are not French, we are instead cursed. Cursed with the last of the stiff upper lip, show no emotion traits to be passed through into the 21st century. I affectionately refer to it as ITA ... Initial Tactile Awkwardness.
A few weeks ago I had the pleasure of finding myself merrily pissed in my favourite house warming party spot, the corner of a delightfully squishy sofa. A prime vantage point from which I could witness exactly what happens when a ‘Foreigner’ meets an ‘English’!
Well, what spectator sport it turned out to be! There were handshakes squashed by oncoming hugs so that at best they were pulled off as an attempted crotch fondle. There were plenty of ears reddening due to cheek aimed kisses gone awry.
There is however an exception to every rule, that incredibly rare party occurrence, the overly confident and cultured British greeter! The one that believes, through some uncensored stupidity, that they’ve cracked how to behave towards a complete stranger. Known to all in the know as ‘the one cheek kisser’.
Lucky for any sporting spectators like me their demise is both rapid and efficient. Once their initial kiss has been planted, the foreigner wrongly assumes that the English fellow is up to speed with protocol and instinctively swoops back in for the second helping. Unfortunately the lesser refined senses of the English person are slow to react and only manage a belated reflex turning of the head. This sadly results in the ultimate, crash landing, smacker right on the lips.
I choose this point to hold my hands up and admit that I’m also a victim of this horrendously demonstrative show of affection, between two complete strangers. As such I would like to take this opportunity to issue some wonderfully over analysed words of wisdom to any Englishman/woman who will hear me ... Only ever offer a stranger your hand, better to end an initial meeting having had the person by the balls than have to endure the eternal horror that is the memory of your first kiss!
But alas we are not French, we are instead cursed. Cursed with the last of the stiff upper lip, show no emotion traits to be passed through into the 21st century. I affectionately refer to it as ITA ... Initial Tactile Awkwardness.
A few weeks ago I had the pleasure of finding myself merrily pissed in my favourite house warming party spot, the corner of a delightfully squishy sofa. A prime vantage point from which I could witness exactly what happens when a ‘Foreigner’ meets an ‘English’!
Well, what spectator sport it turned out to be! There were handshakes squashed by oncoming hugs so that at best they were pulled off as an attempted crotch fondle. There were plenty of ears reddening due to cheek aimed kisses gone awry.
There is however an exception to every rule, that incredibly rare party occurrence, the overly confident and cultured British greeter! The one that believes, through some uncensored stupidity, that they’ve cracked how to behave towards a complete stranger. Known to all in the know as ‘the one cheek kisser’.
Lucky for any sporting spectators like me their demise is both rapid and efficient. Once their initial kiss has been planted, the foreigner wrongly assumes that the English fellow is up to speed with protocol and instinctively swoops back in for the second helping. Unfortunately the lesser refined senses of the English person are slow to react and only manage a belated reflex turning of the head. This sadly results in the ultimate, crash landing, smacker right on the lips.
I choose this point to hold my hands up and admit that I’m also a victim of this horrendously demonstrative show of affection, between two complete strangers. As such I would like to take this opportunity to issue some wonderfully over analysed words of wisdom to any Englishman/woman who will hear me ... Only ever offer a stranger your hand, better to end an initial meeting having had the person by the balls than have to endure the eternal horror that is the memory of your first kiss!